Surrender

We have arrived at a very difficult point in this whole process, and that is the surrender part.  It appears the Avastin treatment did not work, and Clint's functioning declines daily.  He remains positive and strong inside, and I applaud him for that.  We are at the point where there is nothing more man or medicine can do, and we have called Hospice in to keep him comfortable (and they have been wonderful).  Clint is in our Heavenly Father's hands, and I surrender him to the Lord.

I realize that Clint was God's to begin with, and I was entrusted with Clint's care as his wife and caregiver.  I meant my wedding vows when I said "In sickness and in health" and "For better or for worse" - and unfortunately, we faced sickness and worse.  But Clint is worth it all.  I have done my best to be a good steward with my husband and our marriage, and as his overall caretaker.  I love him dearly, and I will always love him.  I don't know what God plans to do or why all this has happened, but ultimately the answers don't matter...what matters is what I do with what I'm given.  And I choose to trust God.  His ways are higher than my ways, and His thoughts higher than my own.  HE knows what He is doing.  And I surrender all to Him and praise Him through it all, regardless of what happens.

In preparing for the worst, it's really hard to continue hoping for the best, but I do continue to hold out that hope.  When man and medicine can do nothing, it's a perfect time for a miracle...and it would be a miracle that no one but God could take credit for.  We still ask God for it while surrendering all to Him.

I had a conversation with Clint a while ago.  I told him that sometimes people have a "Jesus" moment where they stand on the edge of life and death with the Lord, and they have a choice...do they stay or go?  If Clint ever has that moment, I told him to choose Jesus.  I never want to hold him here in suffering when he could have a full restoration with Jesus.  I never want to be a selfish wife.  I love him too much for that.  I know Jesus will be with me and Felicity always, and He will continue to provide for all our needs.  We will see Clint again in heaven, and I know it will come at the right time.

One Last Date:

I decided to take Clint out on a date last night; it was probably our last and final date.  We went to Uncork & Unwind in Tumwater.  It is an amazing place with unparalleled service.  Michelle Pierce, the owner, set up a table for us with a beautiful vase full of flowers (which she sent home with us, along with a bottle of the white port we each had a glass of - thank you!)  Michelle really made that final date special for us.  THANK YOU MICHELLE.  Here are pictures of our date night:

Delicious white coffee port with Creme Brulee Cheesecake (Clint) and Uninterrupted Chocolate (me, of course!)

The dessert menu - AMAZING...I recommend the Coffee Port

We used the cards in the flowers to seal up little love notes for each other.

This was such a special and very romantic date for Clint and me.  Uncork & Unwind made it possible and unforgettable.

I would like to add that Michelle is hosting a benefit auction on Clint's behalf at Uncork & Unwind on September 7th at 4:00 p.m.  There will be food, wine, and many donated items up for silent auction, and it will be a beautiful event celebrating Clint's life, and our life together as a family.  I plan to be there, and I invite you to join us.  For anyone wishing to donate an item for auction, please contact my sister Stephanie Lund at stephaniealund@gmail.com.

Much Love
Reini

Visits and Blessings

During this difficult time, we have had such an outpouring of support and help, which has meant the world to us.  I want to start by saying THANK YOU to each person who has been praying, visited, brought a meal, donated shared leave, donated money, helped with house and yard work, and SO MUCH MORE.  The overwhelming response from all of you has helped keep our spirits up and let us know that we are not walking through this alone...far from it.

I want to share pictures of the visits and wonderful moments we've captured so far (not in any specific order):

Troy and Clint (served together in the Army)

 

Saturday's work party that blessed us with massive weeding, moss removal, and other yard work (thank you!)

 

Aunt Amber and Uncle Dan visited and helped with tree planting (thank you!)

Clint and long-time friend Jill

Lindsey (did I spell that right?), Clint with Owl (it was Felicity's) and Jenn (my Ginger)

Lisa and Jeff (adopted family)

Felicity giving Daddy a kiss

Felicity giving Jenn a kiss

Mike, Amanda, and baby Caleb out for a visit and dinner delivery (thank you!)

Cindy, Kevin, and Clint having way too much fun - thank you for all the food!!!

Auntie Laurie visiting with Jianna, Jayden, and Jonessa (love you guys!)

Mickey, Clint, and Kat (you guys rock)

Alisa and Taylor cheating at cards (ok, maybe it was Clint)

Daddy, Felicity, and Grandma

Felicity chilling with Daddy

Felicity telling Daddy he needs to shave

Felicity giggling because she has a secret (most likely)

Clint and Amy - they served in the Army together.

Devastating News

So much has happened in the last few days.  I don't think I have the energy to write every detail.  After many miscommunications, hold ups, and frustrations, it has been determined that Seattle treatments are off the table.  Clint's MRI on Saturday was not good news.

Clint's MRI revealed a massive butterfly shaped tumor reaching into both halves of his brain. Without treatment, he has about a month to live. We are pursuing local treatment with Avastin (it works to kill the blood vessels in tumors, making it impossible for them to grow) and regular radiation.  It is unknown if Clint's tumor will respond, given how aggressive it is.  Doing this treatment will hopefully buy us some time.  I pray it works.  I pray for much more time and a recovery of function.  Even so, it is really hard preparing to let go of the love of my life.  I am not ready.  I will never be ready.

Clint's function is declining every day, and he has a really hard time responding and getting the words out he wants to say.  I reassure him that I know he's still in there and I know what he wants to say.  He has much confusion and has a hard time getting things in the right order, including simple everyday processes.  It breaks my heart seeing his hands shake so hard he can't take his medications without assistance.  His life must literally be monitored 24/7.  I know this is very frustrating for him because he is such an independent soul!  But he knows he is loved.  Felicity had fun bringing him all the kitchen utensils she could find today, and it made him smile.  I am so glad he has not lost the ability to smile, and I pray that never goes away.

Clint's mom is with us, and she plans to stay for the duration.  We hope his dad and brother can make it out as well.  We are planning to make some good memories in the next couple weeks.  From the day we found out we were pregnant with Felicity, Clint has always said he wanted to take his child to the zoo, so we plan to take that trip on Sunday.  We also got some bears from Build-A-Bear, one for Clint, one for Felicity.  Felicity recorded a message for Clint on the voice recorder that goes in the bears paw when you squeeze it....in her cute little voice, she said "Da-EE!" (which is how she says daddy, her favorite person in the world).  Clint's message for Felicity was "Daddy loves you, Felicity."  I am so glad we recorded this quite a few days ago while he was able to speak well.  I know she will cherish that bear for life.  I really want to take him to Uncork and Unwind in Tumwater, they are an amazing place with the best service....unparalleled.  (They have many beverages of choice on the menu, and have already offered to serve coffee in a wine glass so he can blend in).  I hope we can make it over there, he would really love it.

With all that being said, my sweet sweet sister set up a fundraising site to help with expenses that will be arising. Please don't feel like I'm begging for donations. I'm not.  But if you wish to help, please know that it is appreciated and does help tremendously.  http://www.gofundme.com/crs8d0

I will keep posting updates and pictures of the memories we create.  For friends who are able and wanting to see Clint now, I strongly urge you to make a visit before things progress.

Thank you for all your prayers and support, please don't stop.

Much Love
Reini

Seizures

Please pray, my dear friends and family.  Clint had more seizure activity this morning and is having a hard time communicating.  He has an MRI at 4 p.m.

Thank you.

Reini

Latest News

Clint's referral to get proton therapy is being reviewed, though I was hoping to hear something today from the review panel.  It was an expedited referral, meaning an emergency, but nothing yet.  I have a hard time sitting still waiting for others when my husband is rapidly declining (his confusion is getting worse each day), so I called Clint's surgeon, Dr. Lee, and left a detailed message as to what was going on, and asked if he would talk to the review panel to let them know HE NEEDS THIS NOW!!  Dr. Lee is a fantastic surgeon who really advocates for his patients, so I have no doubt he will talk to them and make a huge difference.

In the meantime, Clint has an MRI tomorrow in the afternoon, and the proton place already called this evening to set up his preliminary preparation appointment for Monday morning at 8:15 a.m.!!  YIKES!!  At this point, I don't care if we have the authorization or not.  We are showing up for the appointment, and if Group Health denies coverage, we will appeal until they change their mind and are forced to cover it (not to mention we will be launching a pretty big fight with contacting the Insurance Commissioner and Congressman Danny Heck, who offered to investigate Group Health's review panel.)  WE WILL WIN THIS BATTLE.  PERIOD.  My husband's life is not a business....it is personal to us, and his life matters!  He is worth fighting for.  And I am so grateful to have the God of the universe on our side waging war for Clint.

Clint's mom, Diana, is flying in on Sunday, and I am so glad she is coming.  We really need her.  She will be here for just over two weeks, which is perfect because she'll be able to stay with Clint in Seattle while he undergoes treatment.  Dr. Rockhill, the radiologist, does not want Clint traveling back and forth from home and will help find nearby housing for him.  I will be home with Felicity, trying to keep things as normal as possible in her life.  Poor little peanut, she is sensing the stress and says "Daddy sick" a lot.  It breaks my heart knowing she feels the stress but doesn't know how to process it.  I am doing my best to help her through it.  We are going to Build a Bear tomorrow and making a Daddy Bear for Felicity with daddy's voice on a recording device.  We will probably make one for Clint with a recording of Felicity's voice as well.  I think it will help them both get through the next three weeks apart.

On a happy note, we had a wonderful visit today from our friend Steve Mansfield, Lewis County Sheriff.  It was so nice seeing him and catching up, and it meant the world to Clint to have him come over.  It lifted his spirits today, which were definitely in need of lifting.  Thank you, Steve!!

A BIG thanks for everyone's prayers and support.  I am so grateful for all of you.  May our Lord God bless you thoroughly!  I have had a really hard week and have been completely drained and discouraged, but God renewed my strength today and I know He is on our side!  And if He is for us, who can be against us??

More updates VERY SOON!
Much love,
Reini

A Race Against the Clock

Clint had a major decline this last week, which continually got worse over the weekend.  He couldn't stop vomiting, his mental capacity was entirely diminished, he was unresponsive, and in a high state of confusion.  I took him into urgent care on Saturday, and they ran a CT scan, which showed some swelling in the brain.  I emailed the oncology team at Group Health and asked if they would want to put him back on steroids (they help reduce swelling).  Fortunately, they did put him on the steroids right away, and we saw instant improvement.  He was responsive, present, and even had his sense of humor back for a couple of days.

Today was our appointment at the University of Washington in Seattle, and my good friend and coworker Amanda drove us up there and helped us take some really good notes.  Clint's functioning today was starting to diminish again, and his balance was slightly off.  The news we heard was not what I was expecting.


Upon reviewing recent scans and MRIs, the radiation oncologist determined that Clint was NOT a good candidate for Gamma Knife because his remaining cancer is too big, and recent swelling indicates regrowth and spreading.  His best recommendation was starting proton radiation therapy right away.

The way I understood it, there are two types:  Proton and Photon.  Photon is used in standard radiation (which is what Clint had before), but it damages surrounding tissue.  Proton is a different specialized type that does not damage surrounding tissue, and considering Clint's decline and current mental disabilities, the doctor felt this was the most ideal treatment.  He wants to get to work starting Friday.  PLEASE PRAY GROUP HEALTH APPROVES TREATMENT FOR PROTON THERAPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I do not have the energy for another battle, and I could really use something going right at this time.

We see the oncologist tomorrow to go over this treatment plan, find out if it's approved, and set up an MRI.

Clint's Mom is going to try flying out on Saturday, which I am most grateful for, and I know Clint really needs her right now.

In the meantime, we could use massive prayer.
We could also use some practical help, if anyone has time or energy:

- Taking the dogs for walks once in a while.
- Helping me with keeping on top of weeding and putting down weed barrier to make the yard/garden low maintenance.
- Keeping up on mowing (the grass is dead right now, so it's mostly just mowing down weeds, so it's not needed super often).
- Transforming the cat room/sewing room into a living space for my brother so he can move in with us to help out (we have to move everything out, re-carpet, repaint).
- Grocery/necessity shopping, and maybe some food prep (I have a strict diet for Clint, so contact us first on this please).

So much love to you all, and thank you.
Reini